Chocolate cake

I thought I'd pop out a post on my new, gorgeous shiny laptop- Ruby.

Ruby is a red dell and fills me with glee.
I will leave you with this quality cartoon:

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Terrifying

I'm probably last to the party with this but HELLS BELLS

Are charlie Boorman and Eddie Izzard twins? or THE SAME PERSON??

Has anyone seem them in the same room?

Its been a long time

Contrary to newspaper accounts and Radio 4 news bulletins I am, in fact, Alive.

A chat with my erstwhile crimewriterist and bearded hero informed me that people actually read this blog so I thought "what the hell" and decided to post. I had previously considered re-posting on here but imagined it would be very much like singing in the shower, fun and acoustically rewarding but, at the end of the day, a solo activity- unappreciated by the general populace.

So!, I hear you cry, what have you been doing?! (said in the tone of my mother opening the front door to find me drunk with frozen margarita on my head and a parking ticket on my forehead)

I had a brief and none too fulfilling period of unemployment which left me with tattered nerves and an equally tattered mother, who had to put up with me lolling around the house in my dressing gown crying and generally losing what little of the plot remained. Following this I had a happy couple of months as a care worker for the elderly and merrily tootled about making tea and toast and wiping people. Happy days.

Now I'm back in Dundee on a masters course which is challenging, scary and not a little boring.

Some honest to goodness things that happened while I've been away:

• I got facebook chat dumped by someone I wasn't going out with (As I pointed out to Russ, People are bypassing the relationship stage with me and going straight to the breakup)
• I wiped poo on my nose and couldn't rid myself of the smell without sticking wetwipes up my nose
• I have amassed a huge collection of urban pictures of no interest to anyone save me, and I've seen them already
• I went to a book launch

The thrills, the spills.

an on that high note, goodnight

There and back!

So I applied for a job teaching in the czech republic and actually got it. Much chuffedness on my part. I was going to a place called Liberec. It looked stunning.
I got all packed up and said my cheeri byes. I got my snake and tarantula rehomed. Took my library books back. Threw out unwanted guff lying in my room. Booked my flight.
With some trepidation I boarded the 7am flight Edinburgh to Prague. A delightful girl called Marta met me at the airport- she even had my name on a wee sheet of paper. Braw.
Tram into Prague and arrangements to meet with my boss on the monday morning to discuss my travel arrangements and subsequent departure to Liberec.
Which gave me two days in Prague. It was great. Beautiful. I loved the whole place.
I even discovered that my czech wasn't as bad as I thought. Dobre!
A few hours spent wandering round Prague- seriously people you could do worse.
The Pivo is wonderful. I cannot recommend it more. I spent a great evening in a welded together pub (seriously every part of it was welded together in a great industrial hades type thang) discussing various things with a delightful blond czech guy who was equally enthusiastic about moving to the UK.
I was having a great time.
So in to work on monday morning, a short metro hop and 10 minutes on the tram.
Bit of an interview, which went well. Then the bombshell
"We don't actually have a job for you anymore"
Gutted. They hadn't been able to fill the school and couldn't employ me.
They did offer me an alternative post- not enough hours to keep me and I'd have to stay in Prague. The London of Czech Republic. In cost and cleanliness.
I had to come home.
Several things have resulted from this jaunt.
The most important being-I'm a hell of a lot more confident about me and my abilities. When I got back I sent of a ton of CV's to environmental consultancies- Something I've never had the courage to do before.
I also got word that I'm being considered for a leonardo project placement abroad.
Life is not so bad.
taking the chance to move abroad: (owe my mum) £400
Proving you can do something you didn't think you could- priceless

Last night I raced an Easyjet plane....

It won.
But it was brilliant fun, if only I had 2 jet engines instead of these wee legs I'd totally have beaten them. I blame the Bike. Rematch!
For anyone I've not spoken to I've turned into a Bicycle fiend. I love it. I never used to, Biking for me was relegated to the realm of the joggers and other arses. But I have joined the arse ranks and can be seen pedalling for my life along side Glasgow Airport runway (on the cycle track not the actual runway)
And my bike is beautiful. Its an Aluminium Hardtail, a special size to allow for my hight and after 6 years of neglect in the Garage it is now a gleaming thing of beauty, oiled and cared for. It's been dubbed (ironically) "La Poderosa III" after Che Guevara's motorcycle which took him around South America. While my Ponderosa might not manage the South American Continent it will hopefully manage the National Cycle Route 7 soon. My bike has also let me discover a WD40 craze within me and I can also be seen spraying WD40 liberally around while proclaiming it "miracle elixar" I'm this close to spraying it on myself to see if it helps my arthritic joints. My tin of WD is hidden at the moment- my mum is sick of hefting previously creaky doors only to discover they move at lightening speed and I've been threatened with a total WD ban should it happen again. No Fun.
Anyway I'm off out on my bike.

Can't blog! Dissertationing!

Have a hampster pin up.
And this, which is how I feel.

Motorcycle Diaries

I've been watching this excellent film recently. It's a blinder, I've also got the book which is also breathtaking. Its fantastic to read Ernesto Guevara before he became 'Che' and became the revolutionary leader. When he was still Ernesto- medical student and love lorn. I love that he didn't know what he was to become. It gives me hope. Not that I think that underneath this pallid exterior there will be a great revolutionary leader or something but just that maybe something good is just around the corner. Something I can't quite see yet but that maybe some of these shitty experiences I keep having are preparing me for something.
For those of you who know me you wont need told but I have been Many many years in education and I've covered a lot of ground academically. I've also got the '1 year unemployed' medal from the job centre. I'm not useless but I'm increasingly starting to feel it. My brain is slowing and I fear that I'm starting to listen to people with my mouth open. People ask me why I don't just pick up 'a wee job in a bar' and I'm too ashamed to admit that I've applied and heard nothing back. I have £60 a week to live on and I live at home with my mum. Its not really a life, more an existance. It sucks. and all I can do is hope that something, anything, will turn up and help me justify this semi transparent existance.

a small experiment

First I just wanted to say that happily, monkey spanking man has not returned. We can all sleep safe.
Secondly I just gave up on internet explorer, it sucketh. I have started on Firefox and I'm a happy, happy, happy bunny. Firefox I love you. But for a small experiment I decided to make use of the handy parental controls available on Firefox and see how much of my web browsing is counted as 'off limits'
Frankly I'm amazed. I managed to get here alright but it seems I leap from one cesspit of a webpage to another, according to my parental controls. I only hope I remember the password to turn it off or we're all in trouble!

also...

Thatgirls Real life life: a small snippet

Chapter 1

Your erstwhile heroine gets up from her desk and decides to have a sneaky wee peak out of her window, see whats happening outside, you know, as you do.She is one floor up.
Outside her window mothers are walking with toddlers, schoolgirls are giggling past her gate, a scene of neighbourly tranquillity.
Her gaze falls upon a small car parked outside the gate, the driver is in the car.
A moment of confusion from thatgirl, then a noise slowly escapes her lips....
"ewwwwwwwwwwwww!"

Chapter 2
The local police station

A lovely wee police helper is standing at the desk. I glide across and she smiles like an angel
"can I help you with anything?" a beaming smile.
"Yes", i say leaning across the desk confidentially.
"I'd like to report something"
She tries to look reassuring "can I take a few details?"
"Ok" I say, searching for words
"A man was parked outside my gate wanking like a monkey"
She looks at me, distressed. I smile.
"I'll get someone to talk to you"

Chapter 3

A small female PC has me in a converted Cell for interview/statement. Oh and for 'converted' read 'they took the bed out and put in a desk'.
She is questioning me.
"...And the man in the car, what exactly was he doing?" her pen is poised.
"well, I'd have to say he was wanking like a chimpanzee"
I relate details. Apparantly, according to PC Softly, most people don't notice what hand he was using. Or the other myriad of details I provide. Nor do they laugh like drains when reporting public indecency.
"I'm very observant" I tell her.
"yes" she squints and me "very"
"Just..." I shift a little "I'm only sorry I couldn't do more" I smile "I couldn't get my phone to video properly"......

Afterword: Next time I'm panning his car window in. then he can explain to strathclyde's finest why he was chugging away with schoolkids about.

So long?

I was scooshing around my badger friend's blog when I realised he still linked here.
So I thought I would chuck a post up and try to get back into this. I miss the writing.

So do you see up the top under 'sprout appreciation' is says 'untrustworthy and a liar'?
I didn't write that.
My *insert tiny bit of sweary words* ex wrote that when he hacked into my emails and
stuff just before we split up. Now evidently he was on google too. It actually made me giggle because on my msn messenger 'quote' bit he had written "as long as our partners don't find out its fine"
I don't quite know how he managed to tap straight into my personal mantra but kudos.
He also printed out my emails and sent them to my mum so that should tell you what we're working with.
Several good things came outta this:
1. I now have a bound bundle of very rude emails to peruse at my considerable pleasure.(My mum never saw them) Its like a kinky book AND I'm in it!!!
2. I changed all my passwords, probably long overdue and not to silly ones.
3. I exercised restraint I didn't know I had and didn't use his paypal password.

Well now, my badger chum has his book coming out and I am really excited for him.
I just heard him on a podcast and dammit, if he didn't sound witty and intelligent! Its odd to hear him, not as my mate, but with his crime hat on, so to speak.
So everyone buy his book in November, its called 'The Good Son'

This has brought up an additional worry for me: The Book Launch.
I have been invited, and damned grateful I am too, but I tend to misbehave at these things and I really don't want to upset badger boy. As long as there's no Champers we should be safe.
If you happen to be along at the launch do us all a favour: For god's sake don't speak to me!

Belated Hogmany!

What American accent do you have? Your Result: Boston   You definitely have a Boston accent, even if you think you don't. Of course, that doesn't mean you are from the Boston area, you may also be from New Hampshire or Maine.
North Central
The West
The Midland
Philadelphia
The Northeast
The South
The Inland North
What American accent do you have? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

Thanks To Jen Jordan for the quiz link. I like that I may have a boston accent even though I'm Scottish.

Things I've discovered today

1. This Picture (Above)
2. 3pm is a bad time to start academic work when it is due in at 10am the next day.


3. I'm a lazy, lazy wicked person.


4. It's difficult addressing some crimbo cards (to not have this problem don't send any) I.e your lecturer: First name only? "from" or "Love" or "best wishes". Its a mess. I hate crimbo.


5. It's pointless doing your hair when the weather is like this. I've ended up with a thatch instead of hair. It's like trying to brush a crash helmet or, to be seasonal, a crimbo tree.


6. It's pointless putting on make up on days like this. I look like an oil painting which has run. And not in a sexy pop art type way. More in a washed out hooker type way.


7. I really shouldn't be typing "things i've discovered" lists when my essay still isn't finished and its 8pm.


8. shit happens.


9. I'm unlikely to get higher than a desmond for my honours.This is all my own fault.

2 posts in one week!

To begin, a joke:
Batman runs up to this guy and hits him with a vase shouting "t'pau!"
The guy says "don't you mean "kerpow?"
Batman says "no, I've china in my hand"
With thanks to the guy who writes in to the metro with jokes.

I've had a restorative coffee about an hour ago so I'm feeling chipper. And blogtastic...
My Christmas shopping is almost finished. By which I mean I've panic purchased in Boots the chemist and wrapped it up in my usual chewed up fashion. (Christmas was never neat). I hope my uncle likes the tights I've got him. They're ladder resistant.

THis weekend my mum is doing her room up so her freind is coming over to help and bringing his dog. I'm really excited. I love dogs. Especially this dog. It's a black and white collie and she's mental. AND she'll be in my house. Anyone who knows me should know of my mum's adversion to anything which might moult or dander inside the house. Hence I have snails. The dog gets an exemption though. It'll be great. *Next stop the pet shop for dog chew type treaty things*
Hmmm, what else has been happening?
I've been dropping lots of yule gift hints. I'm hoping for the post secret book, I love the site but hate that they disappear after a week. No other hinting been going on. I'm not that fussed over presents at christmas. Christmas pisses me off a bit. All these mentals on Tv and radio christmas is a christian celebration. No, its a pagan festival you stole. Like easter and halloween and all saints day and the majority of the individual saints days.
Bloody christians. (Hate mail can be left in the comments)
More on the pagan origins of Crimbo

Well I'm done.
Remember and turn the lights off before you go.
Beca

neon tetras riverdance?

I've been told to start blogging again by Bulbboy so here's a post.
I met bulboy in his place of work and he said he liked my writing, which was odd. Not as odd as the nudie piccie of bulb boy on his blog, but still odd. *I see you zooming off to look*
Not that theres anything wrong with bulb boy nude, It's just that I've also seen Bulb boy's brother naked and there should only be one person per family that you see naked.

I have been away from blogger for a while as it's my honours year and I have difficulty remembering where I live, let alone think up something interesting to say to all you gorgeous people.
Life goes well with me. I am on an official drive to try to stop being a gloomy bumcheek so much. I'm the person you avoid in the corridor at work/college/school. The one you ask how they are and (horror!) they actually tell you- usually preceeded by a big *SIGH* .
Gloomy bumcheek indeed.

My little yellow snail is either a) Ill or b) In the huff and as I haven't said anything particularly offensive I'm assuming he's ill. In the case of ill snails you pretty much sit and see if they die. Happy energy this direction please!

I'm off to do work and will my snail to live.
Be the Awen.
Beca

afternoon delights

Today I was invited for lunch with some people I know and their friends. What I didn't realise was that everyone would be bringing children of a Wide assortment of ages. Jeepers.
I try not to be tetchy about these things- it's someone elses choice to have kids etc etc.
But for me it really ends up like the smoking debate, I don't mind if you want to smoke just a)don't expect me to pay for it in any way and b)Don't waft your smoke near me.
Had I wanted to be irritated by kids I'd have actually lunched IN the wacky warehouse, chips balanced in the helter skelter.
I don't know how people cope. I can only assume you actually go insane during delivery or something. Constant screaming, crying moasning and shitting. I went a little mental myself.
As one small thing ran past brandishing a knife his mother looked at me and laughed, in the way dog owners laugh when their dog sniffs your dog's bum or something.
The hilarity.
I also found I have nothing to say to some people. Like, at all.
I find myself in an odd state in life. I'm 25, a studen,t and I've never actually had a longterm job. Or Kids. Nor do I holiday in Florida. Or Buy new cars. So I had nothing to talk to these people about. Theres a gulf. They don't care about biodiversity and I don't care that young billy said the funniest thing
Blah. roll on uni

Hello Scotland!

Back again. To ramble.
Whats been going on? I hear you mumble before realising you clicked the wrong link and ended up here.
Well.
I have a week before I go back to uni for the all important Honours year. I'm kinda looking forward to it but I'm a bit wibbly at the realisation of how much work there'll be. I'd really like a good mark. And not to have a mental breakdown. High expectations indeed.

I let colin and graham go in the garden. Graham and colin being the two garden snails I took in for a while, Colin was a tiny baby and Graham had been chucked about and had some shell damage.
I reasoned that they'd be happier free and with a risk of being eaten than completely safe but stuck in a box. They were all healthy and fed up on calcium so they have a good chance of making it over the winter.

The boss snail in the picture is Igby. Now a giant.
I'm planning a whole host of jolly japes with him, any suggestions can be emailed to me. For a small fee I'll let him slurp across the object of your hatred's tea spoons, plates or toothbrush then I'll email them the pictures of him mid shlomp after they've used the offending article. Ask me for a quote.

On unrelated matters: Happy belated birthday to Stuart's lovely lady.
Alright to everyone else and Russ- fix my link on yer page. I'm not sproutappreciation.com.

You scored as Paganism. Your beliefs are most closely aligned with those of paganism, Wicca, or a similar earth-based religion. You may also follow a Native American religion. Paganism 88% Islam 75% agnosticism 71% Satanism 63% Buddhism 54% Hinduism 50% atheism 38% Judaism 33% Christianity 21% Which religion is the right one for you? (new version) created with QuizFarm.com

Wow

You scored as Cultural Creative. Cultural Creatives are probably the newest group to enter this realm. You are a modern thinker who tends to shy away from organized religion but still feels as if there is something greater than ourselves. You are very spiritual, even if you are not religious. Life has a meaning outside of the rational. Cultural Creative 69% Materialist 69% Postmodernist 63% Existentialist 56% Idealist 50% Modernist 25% Romanticist 25% Fundamentalist 13% What is Your World View? created with QuizFarm.com

Bizarre. It's spot on. I mean seriously spot on. I'm actually in shock at how bang on it is. Who writes these things???
Cheers Russ

sad...

Hey peeps.
yesterday I found out about steve Irwin dying.
I actually suprised myself by really feeling a mixture of shock and genuine sadness.
I thought he was invincible.
I thought back and realised how long I've been watching the guy. I remember watching the first tv show he ever did on uk tv, about deadly snakes. Then crocodile hunter the film and I'm a secret crocodile hunter diaries watcher too, tuning in most weekends.
Amazing
He was A rabid environmentalist and general ace type star.
I've been sitting realising that if I could, for a day, live with the amount of enthusiasm that he had during his entire life, I'd be happy bunny.
What an incredible legacy.

The sexy new arrival: Dylan