Saturday, December 31

have a good one when it comes


Another year. Jeez. It only feels like yesterday that I was trying to think of excuses to allow me to go to bed and avoid the whole shennanegans.
I thought about doing a bit of a "best of" but I can't actually think of much to write. How depressing does that sound?
I spoke to one of my friends tonight who mentioned "new year syndrome" to me. I think we all know several people who suffer from NYS. It's essentially people who really can't stand Hogmanay- they tend to get depressed and/or angry. I just can't be bothered, which I think falls into the NYS definition, I'm not sure.
I'm sitting here, typing, (obviously) and thinking "I just want to sleep" I really think I'd like to join in with all the joyous people but I really don't think that us here in scotland are programmed for happy stuff, we're of the "you'll pay for this later" mind set. So Instead of thinking "great, another year of opportunity and who knows what!" I think "Shit, another chance for me to get a kicking" which is a shame because I'm secretly looking forward to the new year.

Ok, to end on a happy note, here's some things that went well for me this year:
*I passed all of my uni stuff and made it into third year.Hooray!
*I got my sexy rabbit back from my friends parents back garden, Dave rocks, go Dave!
*I got a job and stuck at it, made some cash and met nice people. Go Cash!

Some of my friends did really well this year too:
Russ got accepted by an agent and looks to have a book coming out, woohoo Russki!
Bobbert is now a REAL lawyer after 7 years or something of working at it, wayhay Bobbert!
Steve got a real job too and works for the scottish executive, Al is now a tax inspector. Yay everyone!

So happy hogmanay everyone, see you next year
Beca
xxx

Friday, December 16

Cos you all got a blog tracker

I decided to get one. A tracker so I could see if people did actually come near the old blog. And they do! Wow.
I also found I got a search engine string thing. Like where you all get "humping zebras" and things in yours I got:

"windy city is mighty pretty but i
t ain't got what we got"

I say no more.

Tuesday, December 13

Monday, December 12

nearly nearly finished

All over, nearly

Well, my brief flirtation with the world of work ends tomorrow.
I have to take down my interesting bug pictures and pack up my desktop plants.
It is indeed a sad day.
And time! what a lot of time! What will I do?? No uni for 4 weeks! what will I do? Cos I'm lazy, very very lazy. I tend not to go outside or do anything if I'm off on holiday or whatever. I have no hobbies or activities that make me think "yay, I can't wait to leave the house!!!" I try to find stuff to do but then I just feel like I'm making myself so stuff and I hate it even more. A pickle indeed.
So I need to think up some things to do over my break that will be productive and interesting. Get me out the house and moving around. Gee I sound about 80.
If anyone has any ideas chuck me an email.

Porn

Not really but I thought It would keep you reading a bit longer.
So the Christmas tree went up last night. For all you environmentalists out there, its better to get a real tree, support a local sustainable grower and then recycle it at the end of christmas. NOT PLASTIC. they are satans instruments. Avoid.
The tree looks pretty good in the living room, all twinkly and stuff. Makes me more aware of my cold lumpy heart and I wonder why I'm not in with all the happy people currently romping around Sauchiehall Street just now. But that aside I really need to get some presents. I have two so far. I think I need about 9 or 10. It'll get done soon.

And...I'm done

Cheerio!

Friday, December 9

Cheers Big ears

Ta

Thanks for the replies peeps, I'm always curious about writer types, they always seem a different breed. Like people who stick pins in themselves for pleasure, I can't understand why you do it. But I love the books so I'm glad you do.

Info for Jennifer Jordan (and all wannabe George Strokers)

George is from a small island called Pinta, Part of the Galapagos Archipelago. A bit about George Here
You can fly to the Galapagos for $330 in the low season with these people
Some lettuce growing here
Cuddles are free!

Monday, December 5

nearly there


This is lonesome George. He's the only one of his species left anywhere in the world.

Are you my friend?
I'm not sure that I've told all my friends that I like them. That I like all their weirdness and quirks and shouty shoutyness. (I had a good think about it on the bus on the way in to work)
Some of them have strange badger tendencies. Some of them are lawyers. Some of them phone you up after a year and suprise you as you're making a coffee. One of them even makes mutants by poking at DNA. Some of them have picked a path and stuck to it, even though it wasn't the easiest thing to do. Some of them go out and help people for their job. Some of them haven't had it easy.
They're all different and all fab. (And they talk to me which I like too) In fact I'd go as far as to say I'm blindingly proud of them all. You know who you are.
(If I don't know you then you can leave me a comment to say why I should be blindingly proud of you too)

Questions:
Can I ask writer types a question? Or folk who work from home/for themselves?
Ok, when you leave work to write full time (or whatever) do you find it difficult to actually sit down and write? like, are you naturally writerly or is it dragged kicking and screaming into being?? are there any naturally lazy writers out there?
Do you schedule writing? how long did the books take to write?
Badger McLean and Beardy McBride (if i can use first names) I'd be particularly interested in hearing from youz ones.

Tuesday, November 29

tell me doctor... is it bad?

As you all know I got a bit tattootastic a fortnight or so ago. Part of the healing means i have to put moisturiser on the tattoo to stop it going icky. As I am Paranoid about having an icky leg I have been faithfully moisturising.
So the other day I'm sitting on my bed in shorts and I glanced down in the dim light at my leg... And It looked like there was smeared blood around my tattoo. So I panics (as you do) I'm thinking 'Infection? Ripped it open??? blood borne disease????? aghhhh' Actually the "aggghhh" was out loud. Just to be picky.
So I leap up testing how warm my leg is (heat is sign of infection) well panicked at this point. Get a bright light on to do a thorough check. The smeared blood is, well, kind of brown and my brain's going 'wow, thats fucked' Then I realise...
When I was at home I had grabbed the first moisturiser to hand a few times. Johnstons "holiday skin"...with gentle tanning action.
My tattoo looks like a little like David Dickinson. Unlike him though, it's fading fast.

You Are a Little Scary

You've got a nice edge to you. Use it.

Friday, November 25

addictive clock

this clock is ace
let people tell you the time!!

This gets rude!

So I thought I would tell you all what I've been watching through the joys of the internet.
I watched a lady insert not one, but TWO fingers up a guy's pee hole. Now I don't just mean finger tips- I'm talking right in to the middle knuckles.
As I watched this I realised several things:
1> Distorted View is possibly the funniest podcast on the planet (Dickhole guy is a link from the DV website-you can listen to DV daily now through the site link, you don't even need itunes!)
2> Without the internet I would know nothing. Absolutley NOTHING. Nada, Zilch.
3> I'm almost totally desensitised to these things.I would like to say I was shocked and horrifed at the video clip but it was more a mild "ew!" than a "Fucking hell, aggghghghg this man is a freak!!!!!" type thing. That slightly worries me. But not much.
4>How did I fing things out before Google?
So I was thinking about censorship on the internet.- I had a barney with someone recently about this. I really wouldn't like any kids to see the kind of fucked up shit that I see. I really wouldn't. I think it might do damage (clang clang) but where does the responsibility lie? I go for the opinion that: if you don't want your kids to see these things then YOU better make sure that you gotta a damn good parental control thing happening there.Censorship from the parental angle. I mean, you wouldn't let a kid go buy a porn mag so control them on the pooter, fuck it.
The flip side of this argument is that this sorta thing shouldn't be allowed on the net at all and should be regulated etc. Very difficult, from all aspects. But I say hey!, freedom of speach in all areas. But then I realise that I might be sticking up for all sorts of shit things that I despise: Paedophiles, Beastiality, rape. To name but a shitty few. Its a scary area. So then I have to amend it and say freedom of speach (but no illegal shit).It gets too scary and I retreat back into my little hole.
To give you and idea of whats out there, cos you are all nice boys and girls and you don't look at twisted stuff, On my net trawlings I've looked at: naked chicks and dudes, corpses (varying stages of decomposition), porn,dickhole guy, fat ugly naked people who post pictures of things on ebay with their willy reflected in it (kettles are a favorite). Sites with more swearing that I could shake a fucking stick at.
And I say "Internet- thank you"
Links available on request.

Thursday, November 17

My new tattoo


My new tattoo
Originally uploaded by Sprout appreciation.
Just a sneak preview at my ankle as of today, The pink of the shell will fade into gray- The spiral was bleeding and the blood got tattoo'd in with the shading *ouch!*

Art?



Using FAA stuff this artist makes beuatiful moving images plotting Aeroplane Flight Paths. Its like watching fireworks or something. Absolutley great

Flight Patterns

And then Chewbacca got on the bus...


Well, it was cold this morning. Very cold. The outdoor temp sensor I have was registering -3oC. Thats pretty bloody cold.
In this seasonally frozen day a few people obviously decided to go for the cozy factor when travelling. An assortment of puffa jackets and solid looking woollens arrived on the bus going in to Glasgow, everyone warm and toasty, the occasional "tisk" when some poor girl got on as she must have though she actually lived in Barbados and Not Scotland and a mini skirt and SANDALS were appropriate. (Keep in mind here that folk were having to scrape their car out from under a glacier). Then the best coat in the planet got on the bus and all attention was diverted. From the title you can probably guess what it looked like. Chewbacca. With curling tongs. It was, simultaniously, the best and worst coat ever. Furry, Large and almost matched the lady's hair, so you weren't quite sure where the coat ended and her head began. Some wag at the back of the bus (Is that a written law that the mouthy witty people go to the back?) started loudly humming the 'star wars' theme. Luckily she couldn't hear him, she had a coat in her ears.

Wow

The planet looked a beautiful place from where I was sitting today. A lovely mist had formed and a golden sun lit everything fantastically. It was one of those days when you think "wow, how lucky am I to see this?"

(photo from Prairie Roots)

Tuesday, November 15

Saturday, November 12

You're Jack Burton.
The Pork Chop Express.


Which B-Movie Badass Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


Thanks Russ I am a b movie badass I've never heard of.

Tuesday, November 8

For goodness sake!

So Blair wants green issues at the front of his parliamentary Plans? Well, he'd better get this sorted then eh?

Tuesday, November 1

dammit, you went over the lines!


In the course of my internet browsing looking for agricultural information I came across.... Ram Crayons!
Now, for those of you who live more rural than us I apologise if it's old news to you but jeez, this is funny. Basically you get your Ram (male sheep for those who really don't know) and you put a little harness on him. Attached to the harness at the front is your Ram Crayon. Then when he 'serves' (see I do learn from these sites) your lady sheep he kinda, colours in on her back. D'you see, d'ya?? huh? huh? Oh god how I laughed, but! for all you lot saying "how purile, laughing at sheep" I was actually thinking of the human application for all this. So...here's my idea.
You get your partner (male,female,unknown whatever) and you suspect them of cheating. So you sew my PATENT PENDING REVOLUTIONARY BUTTON on to their top, shirt, blouse, thong whatever. The button is actually a pad impregnated with ultraviolet ink. So whoever you suspect they're smooshin with you'll point my Patented UV torch (£40) at them and GLOW!!!!! you're busted sucker. I think I'll quit my job now. I'm gonna be rich!
Either that or you pop something fungal down their pants and see who's itching later. I'd go with that. Ram crayons :-)
heehe on a related note theres these things called pig slappers.....

Wednesday, October 26

I go a bit lobbyist on you


Right, now I don't normally do this but I hope you'll all forgive me this time...
At the moment in the uk the animal welfare laws are not a kick in the arse off of 100 years old and they are really, really poor. The RSPCA and SSPCA have a problem. They may be the prevention of cruelty to animals societies but they have no power to help animals who are not cared for properly they can only advise then step in after the animal begins to suffer, by which point its often too late for elderly or particularly young animals. There is no legal duty of care for pet owners in the Uk, Picture dogs chained outside in all weathers and horses in a state-The welfare societies can't do anything until the suffering starts and I think you'll all agree, pet owners or not, that this really isn't on. So basically I'm asking you to consider signing the petition the RSPCA have on their website which is lobbying MPs to support the new, super improved animal welfare bill which will be introduced in this parliamentary session. It'll only take a minute to sign online.
If you really wanted to be my hero you could email your MP- Just a short one, as the bishop said to the nun- and the RSPCA site will even give you pointers for what to write. If you aren't sure please just take a minute to read the facts, its hard to believe it's modern Britain.
Go on... I'll be your best friend forever :-)
RSPCA SITE

Monday, October 24

How difficult can this be?....seriously

VERY

I find this blogging lark exceedingly difficult, as I was discussing recently with the esteemed Mr Mclean on the phone.
I get angry about something and I think, "I know, I'll blog it"
By the time I think it through and sit down at the computer I've ran out of steam and can't imagine why anyone would want to read my innane rants.
So I end up feeling strangly impotent, I have it all here in my head but can't get it blogged. I think it might be something to do with my illiteracy. I read a book a day but can't actually effectively write anything down, you should see my essays from uni, I can discuss a subject perfectly with the lecturer but my essays are the written equivelent of "ughhhhhhhhhhhh".
This is why I get very jealous of Russel. He can communicate with people so well through his writing and I really envy him.
Even realising recently that Stuart McBride has read my blog a few times makes me feel crappy. I respect him as an author ('Cold Granite' fucking Rocks, not just rocks-but fucking rocks) then he shmoozes over here and reads my pathetic musings.How embarrassing is that?
I think I need practice.

And then...

SO I thought I would tell you about what I've been doing in the last wee while.
Sunday was Mum's birthday so she buggered off out and I went to Borders on the actual day. She got a present though! I ended up getting her mad aromatherapy hand cream made by a proper apothecary. £15!!! For hand cream!!!! I'd want new hands for £15, or at least some kind of skin graft, but it was her birthday so we'll ignore that for now. She had wanted a copy of Stuart McBrides new book instead but it took me a while to explain that I'd probably have to break into the publishers with a balaclava and a glass cutter to obtain a copy right now. Maybe for Christmas. Or Yule, as I'm celebrating this year.
Saturday was the Craft Fair at the SECC which we seem to traditionally go to for mums birthday. All went well until I bought a little snail badge type thing. It's really realistic, wet looking etc. I noticed when I tried to pin it on that the pin part wasn't as sturdy as it could have been. Cue disappointment 10 minutes later when I realised it was no longer attached to my jacket.So back to the stall to tell them how shoddy their badge was and the lady tried to show me how a pin works!! To say I was angry is an understatement. So as usual the anger got the better of me and I shook, felt sick, went slightly blind and tried to talk, failing miserably. I would tell you what I said but I can't actually remember.Thats how bad I get. I don't shout or anything, I just kind of crumble inwards. I walked away but a little while later my mum caught up with me and had got me a new badge *nice*
According to her freind she had also had a go at the stall holder, discussed how shoddy it was with all the people round the stall and cancelled an order her work had with the owners of the stall that lost them A LOT of money. (Think an order for 800 badges at £7 a badge) I love my mum.
Thats been about it. I trained as an Eco schools assessor on Friday but you wouldn't be interested in that....

Wednesday, October 19

the wheels on the bus go....

*....nowhere at fucking all.*
Today my bus journey took an hour and a half. Normally it takes 20-25 mins. I was stuck in 'commuter traffic'
It was miserable, especially sat besid ethe woman who seemed to think that I was a ghost, or at least some kind of non physically bodied entity. Judging by the way she used her elbows against me anyway.

Thursday, October 13

A time to every purpose under the heaven....

Hell happy bloggers I have reached a strange milestone in my life.
Previously I have been a suit myself kindofa gal. If I wanted to do something then hells bells, I'd do it. Touching ginger people *inappropriately*, dancing like a loon, chatting to anyone who wandered within the old radar. You know, generally living. (Russ has been witness to a lot of these, sorry russ.)
Also during this time I used to have a real "thats your fucking problem if you don't like it" attitude. If I was going out with someone and I was chatting to another guy then fuck them if they didn't like it, hell, I'd chat to anyone I damn well pleased. Who were they to tell me what to do? Etc etc. You catch the idea.
Well recently I've discovered that this really no longer stands. I can't keep the 'fuck you' attitude because you start to hurt people.
This leads me into a strange place because I start to wonder if previously I just didn't care who I hurt. You might have guessed by now that I really hurt someone with my last post. My "I'll write what I damn well choose" theme has reared up and almost cost me a relationship. Seems I can't stroke Ginger people anymore because I actually care about who I'm hurting at the other end of it.
The britches chaffing thing about it was that they had to come here and read about it. Then spend an entire evening with that knowledge. I wouldn't wish that on them.
Essentially if you blog, or better yet, have someone you care about. THINK. I don't mean don't blog it, just don't do it. Maybe you all know this and I'm just catching up.

Tuesday, October 11

ughhhh hair


So I was out and about last night. (Shocking I know but it does happen occasionally)
I got introduced to a chap called Pete.
Pete has white blonde hair. (Well, kinda gingery blonde) Anyone who knows me will be aware of how dangerous this is.
From the moment he wandered in I though "now thats hair I gotta touch!" The night progressed and I wangled a chat with this vision of blondness.
Eventually I said "this is a reallllly strange question but can I touch your hair?"
Well, dear reader, this was a step back for me. I thought I had gotten over the whole 'touchy hair' thing a few years ago. I felt like an alcoholic plummeting from the wagon. Especially when the *ughh* feeling kicked in as I was doing it. (As you just guessed, he let me) (Quite happily too I may add). Somehow I would have thought that a 6' tall girl getting her jollies from touching your hair would frighten people off but no.
I have to say it was the softest blondiness.

The hair monster cometh. Beware

never gonna give you up...

Talking of hair, I know you all miss him like I do: Click the rick

Monday, October 10

NO Fat people on buses

There,I've said it.
On the bus this morning there were several folk who were taking up wayyyyy more seat/space than they were entitled to. Seriously. One woman stood and huffed at a poor student trying to get off the bus when in fact she was taking up the ENTIRE fucking aisle, she was pissed cos he had to clamber over her like a ugly bean bag. Talk about "can't go over it, can't go round it" Fucking fat folk. I accept the whole 'glandular' thing too btw, I know some people can't help it. But there's "I have a genuine medical condition and I am overweight" and then theres "I'm too fucking lazy to care about myself, you will suffer me on the bus"
For god sake people, why are we accepting these things? Why has society deemed this acceptable?? Fat is not normal. Vets shout at you for having fat animals. WE SHOULD NOT BE FAT. Agghhhhh. Big is beautiful my fucking rectum. Thats like saying "leprosy is sexy"
I know this is gonna make me unpopular. I don't care. I like my space on the bus, what can I say?
When I had a space beside me on the bus another enormous person decided to sit down beside me. She asked me to move over a bit. I couldn't. My legs are too big for the bus seats (thats a medical reason!!! I can hear the critics gather...) So she made me fit. By shoving me over with her huge ass. *shudder*

Do you know how many people in this country take up NHS time and money with problems conceiving when all they need to do is lose weight*? Nature says if you're fat you don't breed. That should tell us all something. Nature rocks.

*If you want to know the answer to this, google it, I'm not your fucking info monkey.


Just a thought

I read my last proper post and realised just how much I would really enjoy the guy opposite me in the office hitting me with an observer book of fungus. Not hitting maybe, just a couple of slaps, gently but then harder :-D
How fucked up is that? I'm looking at him right now and thinking about it and he doesn't know. Isn't internal dialogue wonderful?? yahoo.
I hope my boyfriend isn't reading this.

Plants

I got some plants for my desk at work. It's lovely to have something alive near me.
I can chat to them and water them.
Re-reading that I should add "and they are my friends"
Fucking Bizarre.

Wednesday, September 21

Fuck, not another one


Igby
Originally uploaded by Sprout appreciation.
Well heres the little guy now. I'm getting so boring about him I think I might create a newsletter to send around everyone :-)

Monday, September 19

time flies


My name is Beca and I blog...

I just realised how long its been since I blogged. (hehe that sounds like something you would need a support group for!)
Anyway, I thought I would blog a bit.
THe picture is one I took at the bus stop this morning. I was feeling good and liked the little bud.
So yesterday I decided I was bored and needed to read more. Luckly Amazon had delivered my 'Whiskey sour' book (J.Konrath) and I could get reading!
Managed to get through Whiskey Sour in about 2 hours. It was great and I thought maybe I'll read 'Bloody Mary' (same author) 2 hours later I was looking for something else to do. Fantastic books, really really good,enjoyable, gripping etc, but my brain was starved of reading stuff and really hammered through them. I had planned on them both lasting a couple of days- what to do now....

Update

Not that anyone but me cares but Igby is doing fantastically well. He's growing constantly and its a real joy to see him shlomping around his rapidly shrinking tank.
I've posted more pictures on my flickr account if you wanted to see him.

Across the divide(r)

I think I'm starting to irritate the guy who sits across from me at work. He's a biologist/gardener/nature lover and he's great for questioning about things.
I think my questions across our little blue divider are starting to annoy.I asked him if I was annoying him but he was like "No, not at all" but I don't know if he was being polite or what.
I have to sit in the same place for like, 7 hours a day. I can't remain silent constantly!! Maybe he'll snap and beat me with a observer book of fungus.

top notch

Life is feeling pretty spanky just now. I seem to have hit a groove and I'm a chuffed bunny. Still skint (where does the cash go??) but I get paid in 8 days so it all isn't seeming too bad.
I have also developed empathy with the ebay obsessives. I ordered a few things and realised that the rush of the little parcels arriving is great. My postman knocks the door now and I have it open before his knuckles have left the woodwork. For ME?? Bliss!

I hope you are all well, in your respective abodes/places of work/cells.
Till next time
Beca
PS I hope this isn't too annoying but I've had to turn word verification on for the comments. Blame the Pissy spammers. Sorry!

Tuesday, September 6

hiya bud


Just before I leave my work, ill.
Russ got back last night from chicago and brought me a book, a mug and some sort of cold/flu!
I'm off home sick.Bleuh!

Thursday, September 1

Ughhhhhh


Jeez.

I'm so tired today. Fuck knows how I'm so tired, I'm going to sleep at night and all but I just don't feel like I've had any rest at all. I feel like I'm drunk. I just wanna sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

Gimmie a 'C' please Bob...

So I'm gonna go play bass with a new group later on today. I'm quite nervous. I think I'm a bit slack on the bass just now, I panic too much when I'm playing.
I like the guitarist who invited me along, Bob, so being bad in front of him will be fucking knarly.
On a plus note (Boom tish!) I got some strap locks yesterday so I'm very chuffed that in the middle of playing something my bass isn't gonna suddenly thud onto the floor like a bit of cheap plywood. That 'thud' noise can have me waking up in a cold sweat at night. There is also a really wierd feeling that goes along with that, usually in the middle of something good my bass suddenly becomes ,like, weightless. And I feel like I'm in slow motion and go "waaaaaaaaaaa!" THUMP. Then everyone else gets that little 'o' shaped mouth like a porn video and I look at them with big wide eyes and then down at my stricken bass lying there and then I grab it like a mother clutching a road accident kid. And I cry. :-)
I'm in a rough position that I think a lot of people get into, if I break my bass I seriously couldn't afford to get a new one. I doubt I could afford to get it fixed realistically. So I buy strap locks.

where has the badger gone?

Well, for those of you who keep up with these blogs, you'll know that he's off to chicago Today, For those of you who don't read the blogs that was a great inclusive fact laden sentence above.
In fact I think he's already gone, cos he's leaving on a jet plane, don't know when he'll be back again!!!! Actually, Monday around 2pm.
So Scotland is currently Russless. Its strange knowing he's not around but I hope He's having a great time. He's getting to do some kind of panel discussion on short story writing, which is further up his alley than some copulating drunks. Personally I'm hoping for freebies. Even the complimentary mint from his pillow would do.
So when he comes back were off out in the bonny city of Glasgow for some beer and a chance for Russ to Pass out from jet lag and spend his waking moments saying "and then.... and then....."
Safe home Ruski!

Tuesday, August 30

Igby gets an overdraft...


I ordered a book about looking after Igby.
It cost me £1:75 and they have to order it in.Probably print it up too.
So far Costs for the Igmeister running at:

Tank: £11
Substrate (2 kinds, he didn't like the first stuff): £7
Rock effect water dish £3
Bit of cork to clamber on £1.50
Heat pad (he gets a cold ass,honest) £11
Food (roughly) £5
Spray bottle for his water : £0.85
Bottle of Volvic(only the best for my boy) £1.75
Book about his slimy ass £1.75
So thats *quick calculation*
£42.86p
Oh yeah I forgot.
And Igby: £1.50+ £1.00p&p

Igby cost: £45.36
Look on my mums face when he schlomps across the kitchen: Priceless

Good morning world!



Firstly
So our brave little badger Russel is off to Chicago all on his own soon.
We hope he has a great time and Pimps himself mercilously for the good of his book.Work it Brock, work it!

Oh what a beautiful dayyyyyyy....

What a beautiful morning this morning. The sun was shining and it was just cold enough to make it pleasant. I actually walked into town to pick up my bus ticket just to enjoy the weather. It was a real "GOOD MORNING WORLD!" kind of morning. For the first time in a while I had a feeling like "everything's good". How Ace.

Damn I've shrunk my clothes...oh wait

So I am in at work with a home made lunch (Rice salad type thing)in a desperate attempt to lose some of the weight that I appear to have piled on unnoticed. It's the grazing at my desk that does it. I have to chew the cud or I get bored :-)
I realised that I really need to start walking around more. Not that I have like, some kind of personal taxi service, but I only walk to the bus stop (3 mins)and then off at work (4 mins) and then back again later. so thats 14mins of walking a day. That's actually embarrasing now I see it written down. So more walking and less eating. Thats the plan at least. I'm going to go out today and buy myself a lunch box, a cool one, to try and encourage the "make at home" thing. I can't afford to eat out as much either. I might even try a home made sushi. Mmmm sushi.

Coffee...

I drink too much coffee. All that caffine and sugar (I take 3 per cup)
I have:
4 or 5 coffees a day
thats 5x3=15 spoonfuls of sugar a day. Jeezus.
No wonder my arse is expanding faster than the galaxy.

Monday, August 29

when friends go bad....

Ok I don't usually do this but this is a portion of a email I have been sent by someone that used to be a friend, remember the camping fiasco?
I have never been accused of lacking integrity so I am interested in how exactly you measure this, answers on a postcard please!
And so to the email:

Would like to take this opportunity to ask if you have any
intetion of repaying the £30 that you owe me. I assume from
your lack of response to my request that you do not and
therefore will see fit to collect my debt by selling your
tent. If this assumption is incorrect then I advise you to
inform me so sooner rather than later.

In addition I belive that you cast aspertions that I would
tell anyone who would listen what happened on our holiday.
Unlike yourself I managed to keep my mouth closed until I
realised that you were informing people of your somewhat
edited version. I have no need to tell anyone who was not
involved however you seem to think that mere aquaintances
should be informed. However in this telling you neglect to
mention that I drove over 500 miles for which I recieved no
thanks and that you have not apologised for your behaviour
which was equal to that of a 5year old. How you can blame
the bank for you spending your money I have no idea!

I have little expection that you will resolve this
unfortunate incident as you have proved that integrity is
something you lack. For that I am most sorry.



A Couple a points:
She has little expection? what the fuck is that? As to the lack of integrity, I'm much sorrier that she has little expection, Personally I like a lot of expection.
The bank took charges-I didn't spend it, had she been listening and not yelling she'd have heard this part.
I'd really love to know who the 'mere acquaintances' are, as would they I'm sure.
Also If she sells my stuff I wont do anything. But my mum will. For those of you who know my mum thats not an idle threat :-)
on a petty note:
Intetion has an 'n'- intention
belive has an 'e'- believe
aquaintances has a 'c'- acquaintances.
I'm allowed a little petty.
I thank you, comments positively embraced.
Beca the integrity lacker

Sunday, August 28

dear lord

I'm sat here and I think I'm still drunk. I haven't drank whisky for a while and I think If I want to keep my friends that will be the last whisky drinking for a good long while. What a tit I made of myself last night, I think I worryingly rang my Mum and said " yeah I'm to fucked to come home, have a good holiday" 'cos yeah, she goes away for a fortnight today and I couldn't drag my sorry arse in the door to see her off. what a knob. I'm writing this now as I am still drunk but I can feel the shaking, queasy feeling starting. How can you get nauseous at some coca cola? uhhh. Sometimes I wish there was some kind of voluntary organ donation scheme. I obviously shouldn't be left alive.
For regular readers you'll be happy to know that I met up with the girl that I had the faling out with last night. At the point I met her I had that non internal commenting thing going on so I really doubt I have friends left. Or family

Tuesday, August 23

Nip/Tuck

Mes Amis

Ch-Ch-Changes... Ooo, a new look for Sprout. Beccy's the woman in charge of the site and I for one think I like the new look. Makes us look all happy and cheery. Except me. But I'm always scowling like that.

Oz the Gweat and Tewwible... Stephen King is a very variable author, but I've always had a soft spot for him when he's on form. Like Pet Semetary, a book that shouldn't work but does. I come back to this one like a good snack I look forward to every once in a while. Its junk but damn its good to read it. I knew there was a film version, too, but knowing how bad Stephen King films are, I hadn't really bothered to see it (and me, a lover of bad movies, too!). Until the other night. Channel 5 have gone back to their roots and started doing shitey horror seasons again. I love it when 5 do this. I do hope they show Amityville Dollhouse again or any of the later numbered Jason films. There's some guilty pleasure in watching truly incompetenetly made horror films. Anyway, Pet Semetary isn't all that bad and is ultimately almost faithful to the plot of the book which is surprising. The problem is that the tone's all wrong. Everything is so melodramatic that it makes Tasha Yar (yes, the one who died in the first season of the Star Trek: Next Generation series) look Oscar worthy playing our hero's wife. I mean any emotion is played loud and proud, like they really want to batter us over the head with it all. Which is funny because I was watching the film thinking if the actors all calmed down this would be genuinely fucking frightening. Especially Church the devil-bastard cat. And then there's King himself hamming it up as a vicar for a few minutes. Its all just... a missed opportunity.

But that said, that kid at the end is fuckin' freaky. Even without the special contact lenses. I was scared of him even from the start when he was meant to be all sweet.

Anyway, mes amis

Au revoir

Russel

Monday, August 22

I'm back, baby!

Mes Amis

Since you been gone... Woah-woah-woah-oh, Woah-woah-woah-oh! Ahem, anyway, yes I'm back, baby. I ain't getting kicked off the front page for no one. I have, of course, been very busy of late (see my adventures over at These Aye Mean Streets if you need an explanation) and so feel like I've left Becs to play alone. But no more.

The Good Book... Have I ever mentioned how much I love Philip K Dick? I mean, not literally, but the man was a God to me when I first discovered proper growed-up type fiction. His SF was weird, wonderful and more mature in its dealings with humanity than much of the pap that followed it. And then there are the mainstream novels... They were all rejected one day in the sixties, slamming through his postbox with a note attached saying how no one wanted them. Dick's dreams of being taken seriously were crushed. Only one (the amazing Confessions of a Crap Artist) was published during his lifetime, but they are still vibrant, beautiful works. Like the one I just read: In Milton Lumky Territory. Don't you just wanna read a book with a title like that? Despite the strangeness of the title, the book is a 1960's love story in its own twisted way. Bruce, a sales rep, meets the woman of his dreams and promptly marries her. Trouble is, she's ten years older than he was and was his high school teacher. As their odd relationship plays out, we explore Dick's constant fascinations with mental health, the true meaning of communication between beings and empathy. It sounds heavy stuff, and some of it is, but Dick has a great narrative voice and his characters are so fragile that you can't help but love them. The Milton Lumky of the title, by the way, is a newspaper salesman who may just understand more about the lovers than they could ever understand themselves.

Its Russel's literary pick of the month. In fact, any book by PKD (With the possible exception of the Zap Gun) would be Russel's literary pick of the month.

Speaking of Literary... Gonzo's gone, baby, Gonzo's really gone.

Anyway, mes amis, I shall return soon

Till then

Au revoir

Russel

Wednesday, August 17

Funny for my ears


I've been listening to podcasts while at work. Yes I am the giggler at the desk in the corner. I'm sorry but a grandma porn story read out with the voices makes me laugh like a pervert in a pantomime. This giggling is caused by 'distorted view' who have an inspired sextastic tuesday edition with porn stories that are a little...disturbing to say the least. I quote "I realised it was the best blowjob ever because she didn't have her teeth in and it was her gums knawing on me" *shudder* made even funnier by the presenter, Tim, and his fantastic commentary and obvious glee coupled with disgust at the stories. Every other day is news of the weird and general chat on porn, sex and gross bodily function.
Seriously funny if you have that kind of sense of humour, you know wether you have this sense of humour. Distorted view is very very adult so if you happen to be a minor don't be going there and saying I sent you.Right?
Distorted view is available on Itunes. Or visit Distorted View
Ba da da da duh duh I'm lovin it!


Later in the day....

I just realised that I don't think anyone comes here. I think when Russel Left to start his blog I think you all left with him. *sigh*
oh well.
I'm thinking of changing the appearance of the Blog, I think It could do with lightening up a little bit. Any ideas? Oh yeah, I forgot; theres no-one here. *bigger sigh*

Tuesday, August 16

a new way to go (literally)

I shlomped over to the Co-op online for a link.
I clicked about and came up with this

Hey!
I just read down some of my previous posts and realised that the ladybird people never emailed me back! well, fuck them. All I wanted to know was all about the stupid green lady bird but they're obviously too busy having fucking tiffin or something to email me back. Well screw 'em.

Sunday, August 14

Igby Goes Up!


Igby Goes Up!
Originally uploaded by Sprout appreciation.
here is igby. isn't he cute? On second thoughts don't answer that

Wednesday, August 10

heheheh

Well I've done it.
I've been browsing for years and I've finally done it
Back to the beginning for me!!

Tuesday, August 9

december six


december six
Originally uploaded by antimethod.
Check this guy's stuff out. Really and seriously. I can assure you you need to see these. Really

what a weekend.



Ok, don't get upset, Ijust think everyone gets this feeling.

Jeez

Ok so for those of you who don't know I was engaged. Note the was.
I didn't really want to start phoning people to tell them, I couldn't cope with the "oh, what happened??" 'cos I really don't want to talk about it, it was very upsetting and amicable, no shouting and it wasn't done in anger. Plus I still have this silly bursting into tears and hyperventilating when I think about it thing going on. It's getting better though, I managed all the way on the bus without crying once! little steps :-)

If I went away

I was thinking at the weekend, If i went missing would anyone look for me? I've often thought about this after I saw a young guy sitting on the pavement in York and I thought "why has no-one come to find you?" He looked about 15. Someone should have been looking.
For me, on my bad days I just think about how many freinds I have and that I think some of them would try and find me. Thats a nice thought.

Finally...

The young chap beside me on the bus was reading a book about 'discrete mathematics'.
Is anyone else getting lovely visions of people wandering about quietly thumbing their calculators and slouching in corners attempting equations?

Finally finally...

Does anyone remember a guy who used to write on here.... Russ or something? I seem to have a vague recollection of a beard but it's been soooo long.....

Wednesday, August 3

Dear god above

Browsing on Ebay at work and I encountered this. I am dumbstruck with terror.

Monday, August 1

Trades description act.!!!

IGBY

So I got my snail through the post. He's beautiful.
He does, However, make a mockery of the title Giant African Land Snail.
First off he came from Portsmouth. Secondly he's mini. You ever eat guylian chocolates?, the sea shells? He's worrying the same size and colour as one of these.
I went out the day before he was supposed to arrive and bought a big tank, substrate, cute rock water holder, heat pad (yeah yeah he only cost £1:50, the tank alone was £10, the heater £11 etc.)
So he arrived and I laughed. He's around 2" long, all in. I had put bits of food in for him that were bigger than he is. Still, he's a growing lad.
Also, If you want a pet thats all action and excitement don't get one of these he buries himself in substrate and doesn't move. At all. I move him, he eats and buries himself again. He has done a poo though. It was white (too much cuttlefish!!) yummy. Interested? here's a link on the snails.

Green???

I saw a green ladybird today. Honestly-green. fucked up or what??
So i looked here but they don't have green ladybirds. So I emailed them. I will await their reply with interest. I might be mad.

Nother poem (sorry)


I think dogs are rather cute.

I like to poke them with my foot

when the doggy sniffs at me

I touch myself excitedleeee!

my doggy fetish is rather strange

I have a horrid case of mange

my bits are just one giant scab

I got it off of next doors lab.

My doggie love will never stall

who else could I pull with a bouncy ball?

Wednesday, July 27

Good book, shame about the writing.

Something about nothing

I sat behind a girl engrossed in her book on the bus today, so as is my want i read a little over her shoulder. Unfortunatly the first line I came across began
"Frankly, Samantha..."
I pondered wether I would read a book that contains such frantically bad lines as 'frankly samantha...' and concluded that no, I wouldn't. Then I thought, 'do people actually talk like that?'. I pondered all the way from Braehead to the sewage treatment plant. I recall at points saying 'frankly' but I was being sarcastic (unlike me I know). Lines like "frankly officer russ does these things" spring to mind. But I don't think I ever have in a serious context. I don't think I'd let anyone talk to me like that either. "Frankly Beca....*smack*....uggghhh". So I won't read her book. If I knew the title.

why the moonlight on your shell,its beautiful

I am finally fufilling a dream I've had for a few years now. I'm getting an african land snail. I am very excited. Ordered it today (ahhh ebay!) More news as I get it!!

Tuesday, July 26

a poem by me

I tried to make a home porn movie
just 'cause I was feeling groovy

I rolled around, a moaner groaner
all that was missing was a boner

A kinky fetish I did try
and caught a furball in my eye

I tried a carrot in my anus
a desperate bid to make me famous

the end snapped off, alak alas.
and now its stuck deep in my ass

going through a freaky phase
I introduced some mayonnaise

its gone, too lost for eva
then lost some cabbage-just a sliva

Now Im famous-really big!
I go out hidden in a wig!

I made histry
who could have foresaw

I made the first
porn anal coleslaw

Ignore this message

I thought my life was complete until Russ posted that picture of the delectable David Tennant as Dr Who. I had so much missing from my life and didn't even know.
I have to admit, I really enjoyed the last series, and now I'm looking forward to the next one getting going.It was utter saturday night telly; leave your brain at the door. Nice writing, good acting, funny and cheeky.
I arrive at Dr Who from a slightly different angle from the Russmyster as I was never particularly fan- I did however have a crush on Sylvester McCoy but I don't think that counts. Ashamed as I am to admit it the first full episode of Dr Who I ever watched had Christopher Ecclestone in it. Shocking!
I have pretended to be a Dr Who fan however- I have been inside a real dalek and I have clapped the original K-9. Sad but true as metallica once sang

clickety click

I foolishly use two email addresses at work. The one you can swear on, make lewd comments and generally be awful in (yahoo) and the work one which I have discovered actually blots out rude words for you (MS outlook)
This has resulted in a particularly tiresome game of email ping pong where I have to click between email accounts to see if I have emails.
I have a confession to make.
I'm one of those people who constantly checks to see if I have mail. Its actually scary. I don't even think about it I just *click ,click, click* all the time. Every mouse depression is my little soul shouting "somebody love me pleasse!!!" I know no joy like a '1 unread message' sign.

gimmie coffee an a labotomy

I just opened a sachet of sugar in the coffee room while chatting with a guy from another department, y'know casual like. I then proceeded to throw the sugar in the bin and chuck the empty sachet in my cup. While doing this I was explaining how I had two computer screens and I couldn't get them both to work. After this display the general feeling was 'thats not suprising'
I now have both working (thanks davie)and can have two things open at once- just now I have blogger open on one screen and a word doc. open on the other and my pointer rolls between them both. Thats pretty cool you have to admit. Or I'm really behind with the times and everyone has it except me and again, I'm late to the party-again. anyway I'm going to boot my Commodore 64 up.....

you met who at the shops?

Ever worked with someone who lives their life loudly over the office phone? Theres a woman in my cluster of desks and her entire life is played out over her mobile and the office phone, loudly and constantly.
The guy at the other end of the office knows exactly what her mortgage quote from the abbey national is. Her vet is called Mr Mayhew and her dog has a chronic ear infection (probably from listening to her) Her boyfreind was great last night.All this and more.
Please please be quiet or I may be forced to remove your eyeballs with your stapler, and yes we all know its yours , you told us many times and I can see your name etched on it with a staple.

Ahhh... new teeth


Mes Amis

Change, my dear, and not a moment too soon... Pictures up at the BBC of the new Doctor Who as played by Tennant. Oooo, I'm all a quiver with excitement (that last series was so damn good; hell, even Billie managed to look like she was acting). I like the new look. A blend of the eccentricity of old combined with a casual, slightly modern look.

They have a lot to live up to next season, but from what I can gather they have a treat for old fans with Sarah Jane Smith (played by Elisabeth Sladen) making an appearance. She used to travel with Jon Pertwee and Tom Baker back in the old days. They also have Stephen Fry writing an episode, a guest appearance by Anthony Stewart Head who used to stalk his next door neighbour under the pretence of having no coffee and later taught young ladies how to use pointy sticks.

And one word: Cybermen. They'd better get them right. The Cybermen never quite lived up to their potential (and for such emotionless creatures they alway seemed really fuckin' angry all the time!)

Squat... You think that pic was bad, Ms Simpson? There is one on the roll where it looks like I'm having a dump in a graveyard. That one, well, I like it.

Anyway, mes amis, that's all for now.

Au revoir

Russel

Monday, July 25

I love cup noodle

Back at work today for the first time after my so called holiday. Work is actually proving preferable to the holiday, how bad is that?
I know you all think I'm an arguementative and nasty type, you especially russ, but I'm really not, I'm quite aimiable. I just wanted to get that in before i tell you how bad my holiday was.
Camping was the plan, I wasn't too keen but my freind, who we'll call charlotte, was well keen.
I have to admit, in the last couple of months charlotte's behaviour had been getting worse and worse. Really selfish me me me kinda stuff. I think it was like a boiling a frog situation.Overall her behaviour had become abysmal but because it was over a period of time I just got used to it. So away we went in the tent up north.
Charlotte got her tongue pierced the day before we went away (duhhhhh) so she was silent and sullen. Every thing I said was reacted to in a kind of 'yeah, whatever' way. or with no answer at all. Cheerful.
Wednesday I checked my bank and discovered I had no cash and I realised I would have to go home. Much stomping of feet and seething silent anger from charlotte. Eventually she snapped and screamed at me in the street that I was making it all her fault and that I had ruined her holiday because I needed to go home- she only had a fortnight off work and I had wrecked it. Ignoring the fact I only had 5 days in total holiday due from work until december and I had to take 3 of them to go away with her and I only had £10 in the bank and payday was a week and a half away. So the upshot of it is I ended up having to spend my last £10 on the bus back from St Andrews.
I'm gonna add a cheezie type ending. On the bus home I had a rare chance to have a good think about everything. I reckon that I've got better freinds than that going around. Don't need a mate that uses me to improve their own social standing and make them look better. Or that was rude to my other freinds and family.
There we are, a busy week. I only told her to fuck off once too!

If you feel like you're alone, weird, 'no-one else thinks like me' type thing then check this out

I'd like to share


Russ has this picture on his website. It says'russel looking pensive' I think steve throws the dogs into the backdoor if they begin to take that sort of pensive stance. Squatting I'd call it but then again I'm not literary.

not to be left behind



Rebecca Simpson's Aliases



Your movie star name: Cup Noodle William

Your fashion designer name is Rebecca Frankfurt

Your socialite name is Measle Dundee

Your fly girl / guy name is R Sim

Your detective name is Stoat Renfrew

Your barfly name is Chocolate Orange Schnapps

Your soap opera name is Kirklandneuk

Your rock star name is Malteasers Stars

Your star wars name is Rebfer Simbob

Your punk rock band name is The Spanking Wheelie Bin


Wednesday, July 20

No Sleep

Mes Amis

I really can't sleep. Can't get sleepy. Want to but can't.

So I'm writing but then I needed a break and as ever went to see if there were any distractions at Human Under Construction (Jen always seems to find some fun distractions...) and, of course, there was a name generator thingy. Which was amusing. And then I saw my punk band name.

Banana Hammock is a funny word.

Russel D McLean's Aliases

Your movie star name: Twix John
Your fashion designer name is Russel Marseilles
Your socialite name is Rusty New York
Your fly girl / guy name is R McL
Your detective name is Bat Bell Baxter
Your barfly name is Dorritos IPA
Your soap opera name is D Old Town
Your rock star name is Topic The Flash
Your star wars name is Ruspoo McLnat
Your punk rock band name is The Frustrated Banana Hammock

The Amazing Meganame Generator


Ahhhh... timewasting

au revoir

Russel

Saturday, July 16

On the QT and very hush-hush...

Mes Amis

Hogwarts Confidential... Not as bad as it could have been today... really... most people understood out Potter offer and very few people kicked up a fuss. Someone tried to tell me The Half Blood Prince wasn't the new one but I kicked them in the crotch and told them if they dared contradict my book knowledge again I'd make them read Jeffrey Archer.

Anyway, just came across the Guardian's competition to write about the death of Dumbledore (I understand he might be the dude with the big beard) in the style of another author. Frankly, the world would be a better place if James Ellroy had written the Potter books. Of course if it really was Ellroy writing it there'd be far more sex, pages of bad language and... well, I'd be reading Harry Potter books like there was more tomorrow...

Remember you heard it here on the QT and very hush-hush.

Au revoir

Russel

Friday, July 15

Harry Potter and the Half-Wit Public

Mes Amis

Oh, oh, oh its (not) magic... I have a name for my pain and that name is Harry Potter. As some of you may know, in my real life I work in the world of book retail. And that means that tomorrow is the day from hell. Oh, yes, Harry Potter is released on the world. Already today we've had hundreds of half-wits (well maybe a few less, we're a small shop) asking us to buy it today. They can't understand why we can't sell it to them*. "But its oan releese at midnight, mahn," they say, scrunching up their foreheads in confusion. "Ye's can fuckin gie us it noo, likes." And that's just the five years olds. I am proud to say I have not read Potter. And its not because of some half-assed stuck-up pretentious, "I'm cooler than you" bullshit. Its just because, frankly, I don't care. I might get round to it one day. And I think its great if it encourages kids to read but I don't know that it does. I suspect it just encourages them to read Harry Potter. Will they move on to discover other literary delights? I doubt it, sometimes. I might be wrong but when you see some of the neanderthal kids who stumble into our store, its clear they don't care about other books. Just the one they're told to buy (JK Rowling has an amazing advertising campaign). Of course, a few do surprise me. I'm pleasantly surprised to see Horrowitz is still popular (I loved the Diamond Brother books when I was young) and all the girls love Jackie Wilson, you know, the one who writes about that girl Tracey who owns a beaker (or something like that: I know she didn't sing Reet-Petite).

Anyway, the fact is I hate this time of year so probably this post is filled with biased bile. I accept that and if you want to defend Harry go ahead. The fact is I'm not railing against Harry or JK (Who'da thought as well as funking out and wearing hats he was a bestselling female author of children's novels) but rather against the pathetic amount of fuss made over this one book and the pressure on retailers at the time of its release. Retail makes you cynical that way. I hate a Harry Potter release. I hate the bloodlust, I hate the fact that adults try to look cool by buying an adult edition and most of all I hate the idea of midnight openings. I hate the competition for pricing. Luckily our shop is small enough we dodged a bullet this year with the midnight opening malarkey.

Oh well, all power to Ms Rowling. Wish I had her bank balance (as do many other authors.)

In the meantime, have a read about it all in The Guardian.

*We can't sell it because if we do then Bloomsbury's Laser Satellite Tracking System is alerted and we're visited by the CEO, armed with some sellotape, a broom handle, a rabbi and a small Hamster called Horace. I won't go into details...


Too Hot to sleep... Really, folks, its a Dundonian heatwave here... I'm melting in this heat and the worst thing is it gets really hot at night so I can't even relax then. Mind you, here's one cure for sleeplessness I know not to try. Although the part before the scooter sounds worth a try.

Anyway, mes amis, that's all for now.

Au Revoir

Russel

Saturday, July 9

And We're Done...

Mes Amis

Mmmmm... books... At last, mes amis, the flat is done! Two-odd years and its all painted, the bathroom's redone, the lights refitted and all the shite furniture away. The carpets were fitted on wednesday (and very comfortable they are, too!) and now all my books have returned from storage. Thirteen large cardboard boxes of the buggers. In my tiny flat I now have six full to bursting bookcases and several storage boxes of comic books. But I feel truly at home, now. I hope I don't have to move any time soon...

Mother, father, I shall become a bat... Since seeing Batman Begins (twice, now: and both times with fucking kids nearby - don't parents even think that it might be a 12A for a fuckin' reason?) I have been reliving my comic book geekness. So getting back all these comics has meant I can start to re-read a few of the classics. Like Batman Year One which is one of the best and most grounded Batman stories told. A true origin story, this belongs more to Gordon than Bruce and I kinda wish we could have seen Oldman have a story arc like this to deal with as Gordon cuts through corruption in the GCPD. Maybe we will in the next movie, you never know. Strangely it ends in a way similar to Begins with Gordon finding out there's a new costumed villain in town with a flair for the theatrical... I've also found copies of Batman v Predator (a surprisingly good story considering the dreck they could have written) and I'm about to dive into Knightfall - watch Batman's back get broken, folks. Truly a milestone unlike the poor publicity stunt DC were running at the same time with the "death" of Super(boring)Man.

Mmmmmmonkey!... With thanks to Jen for providing yet more frippery...

Russel
is a
Haggis-Eating Sniper Monkey


...with a Battle Rating of 7.7



To see if your Food-Eating Battle Monkey can
defeat Russel, enter your name:


Anyway, mes amis, that's all for now

Au revoir

Russel

Tuesday, July 5

Wait... worry... who cares?

Mes Amis

On a darker note... I got the DVD of Millenium Season 1 a week ago and, by God, its a bleak show. I never really watched it the first time round. The X Files connection put me off a little, but this is seriously dark crime drama with a supernatural edge here in the first season. Lance Henriskon is suitably world weary as Frank Black and there's barely a hint of light throughout the whole thing. Serial killers, rapists and scumbags seem to be forcing all that's good out of the world and its all Lance can do to stop the filth spreading any further. Sometimes it gets difficult to watch (The Well Worn Lock) but its so well done you can't help but continue... apparently things got more supernatural in season 2 but as a series of stand alone supernaturally-tinged psycho-dramas, Millenium season 1 is top notch stuff.

Mother... the blood... speaking of Psycho's, just read the novel Psycho, by Robert Bloch, which was later turned into the movie by Mr Hitchcock himself. Absolutely wonderful stuff and, at only 150 pages, amazingly trim. Hard to get used to the idea of Norman as fat and fortyish with glasses, but all the same this is well worth rediscovering.

Anyway, mes amis, that's all for now.

Au revoir

Russel

dont worry it's only kinky the first time you do it.....

So I've discovered the joy's of podcasting.
I dunno if its just me but I like listening to people just chatting away, especially if its about sex. I'm still mentally about 15 years old, I find sex hilarious.
So I recommend looking up 'dawn and drew' But only if you can cope with expletives. Lots of them.

Why is the time not moving quickly? I must have been in this office about 12 hours now and it says it's still only twenty to four. How is that?

Friday, July 1

oh yeah

Happy birthday Russ me old bud.
You've been my mate for FAR too long (6 years!!). I'm constantly amazed at how far we've come in life and I'm overwhelmingly proud at how far you're going. You still dance like a monkey. You have good coffee, worrying pants and obscene slippers but I'm still pleased to be able to call you my Friend.

beached whale

I'd like to take a moment to describe how to Russel dance , if I may.
Take a liberal quaff of beer, add to it a small retarded cavedwelling bacteria. Eat this mixture. Spin round 17 times.
Sell your soul to a small dog for 10p.Take the ten pence and buy a rubber band, attach to your genitalia (male or female or both, whatever)wait until the aforementioned genitalia turns black.
when your favorite song comes on you,wearing something black, Wrap your body in hotwater bottles until heat stroke threatens and limp into a suitably crowded place. Make sure to undo your top to the point that you may be arrested. spasm and twitch.Don't forget to yell the first name of the artist loudly i.e "BRITNEEEYYYYY"
(Lurch at the fellow dancers and just know you're sexy) Repeat as desired.

Thursday, June 30

Beardie Wierdie..

Mes Amis

Artificial Styling Aids not permitted... Credit where its due, I found this through a link in the comments on Stuart MacBride's blog and its scarily appropriate at the moment with my attempts to regrow the beard. Honestly, I never knew beard growing was regulated - I'd better watch myself!

No wonder we're in credit trouble... Watch the news whenever you like and you'll see reporter after reporter reort on Britain's debt trouble and its no fuckin' wonder... Here's me working three days a week (one of them a Sunday) and I have to pay full council tax... Which means I'm going to have to start my own printing press if I want to do more than eat in a month! 50 fuckin p over the threshold. And even if I was 50p below I'd only get hekp for a few pence... Christ... Oh well, guess I'd better hope that book gets a damn fine contract whenever my lovely, wonderful agent sees fit to send it out. Although, the one thing that came out of all this was I finally met a Dundee city council worker who tried to be helpful. They do exist! But what pisses me off is that Dundee is so damn high in its council tax. I'm paying over twenty quid more than my friend in Perth (who's a solicitor and earns good cash) and his tax ain't exactly peanuts. Its a fuckin' ludicrous system. They may have been making fun of poor Chuck Kennedy for his plans of taxing based on income (look he may have sounded incoherent but the poor bugger had been up the night before because he just had a new baby - or at least his wife had had the baby and he'd just had to stay up, y'know, and do the fatherly thing) but at least it was almost fairer. And I don't mind paying a bit more if I'm fuckin' earning a bit more. Anyway, I'm going to go have a cup of coffee (or maybe just ground up mud) before I get any more angry.

No BSP... No more promoting myself as a writer on this blog (well, not much). Instead, go here where I'll talk about publications, submissions, the pain of redrafting and all the rest of the crap you do when you're trying to make a go of it as a writer. After all this place is about appreciating sprouts, not stroking your own (ahem) ego.

Its your birthday... Before Ms Simpson gets on here and laughs - I spent much of yesterday rolling around the flat like a beached whale and moaning (she knows because she called me and laughed viciously down the phone when she realised what was wrong). Yes, I had a hangover. But it was my birthday and the night before, an old friend had turned up and we'd gone for a few drinks which turned into more drinks and somehow, against my better judgement, we'd ended up in Fat Sam's at which point the night got a little hazy... Let's just say my birthday wasn't too pretty a day... Oh well, at least I got to strut my funky stuff (The nicest description you'll ever hear of a drunk Russel dance).

Anyway, mes amis that's all for now.

Au revoir

Russel

Thursday, June 23

"I finally get you in a prone position and I'm facing the wrong way..."

Mes Amis

Some walk by night... Paramount Comedy's been repeating Moonlighting and, quite frankly, its easy to forget just how damn good the show was, with more excellent jokes per minute that anyone seems capable of at the moment. Of course, it was created by people who didn't really know TV and therefore just went with their gut, meaning there really was nothing else like it and hasn't really been since. Bruce Willis is excellent (but the guy makes even crappy films, like Striking Distance watchable if hardly enjoyable) and even the normally absolutely shite Cybill Shepherd brings a real charm and awareness to proceedings. So now my morning viewing is complete. I mean, this morning's take on Star Wars where Addison duels with mops - the bad guy's is red and his is blue - to the strains of the grand John William's theme was... well, when you write it down it sounds as funny as Patrick Kielty, but really, folks, great stuff...

Too Late.. for me to think about more changes to the manuscript. Its out in the post system. So hopefully they'll like this redraft and I can get down to the next part of this publishing game. Really, I need the money (just ten pence'd help a poor Fifer...)

Its just a comic book movie... Much as I loved Batman Begins (Oh, yeah... still drooling when I think of it) I hate the fact its a 12A. In fact I hate 12A. This is not a movie for kids. Same with the Spiderman film, which I think was too much about issues older kids might have be having for the young kids to give a shit (they just wanna Spidey spin around the roof, they don't want to think about great power and great responsibility or, worse yet, worrying if the pretty girl next door likes you) and Batman was too much about adult themes and thoughts of terror to have kids in there. And yet, lo and behold, two kids who must have been about seven or eight were sat nearby me in the cinema, brought in by their father who clearly thought, "Oh, well, its a comic book film". They were bored rigid during the character building stuff and scared shitless during the action. It was too dark, too adult, too fucking complex for them. And damn straight, too. Quite frankly, let em wait. Fuck the parents who, without seeing a film, say "Oh, its just a comic book movie, little Johnny'll love it." It makes me damn mad. More than that, it makes me mad to hear them asking questions all the way through the film like, "Whens'e gonnae become Batman? Why's 'e talkin' so much?" and so forth before hearing them whimper like little girls when Scarecrow used his fear gas. I think films shouldn't be graded so much on violent/sexual content as thematics as well and plot complexity. I can see why the violence was enough for it to be a 12, but frankly its still too much for little Johnny to understand and at two and a half hours, they had to keep running down the cinema to go pee which is mightily fuckin' irritating when you're engrossed by Christian Bale's devil voice and The Scarecrows terrifyingly blue eyes.

Anyway, mes amis, that's all for now.

Au revoir

Russel

Wednesday, June 22

"If anybody else calls you the beast, I'll rip their lungs out..."

Mes Amis

Batman Begins... In Tim Burton's 1989 Batman, no matter how kooky Michael Keaton was a Bruce Wayne, there was only one reason to watch: the grandstanding Nicholson as the Joker. For all the gothic design and crazy camera work, 1989's Batman was still not quite right. There was a depth missing from the whole, a reality that the comics always capture but no one, not even Burton, seemed to get right on film. The problem was, I suppose, that the films presumed everyone knew the story of Batman and simply played off the broad strokes of an established mythos, relying on audience familiarity to fill in the blanks.

2005: Christopher Nolan (Memento, Insomnia) reboots the Bat franchise. And he really goes to town. This isn't a comic book movie. This is a fuckin' epic. This is the first time on fim we learn the real origins of the Batman. No more is the origin reduced to a spooky flashback to a mysterious mugger and a deadly bat crashing through a window somewhere. Sure, all of that is present, but now we see Bruce's eastern training, his years of searching for a direction, the dedication he puts into finding some means of revenge on the man who killed his parents. Sure, liberties have been taken with the Joe Chill character (Joe Chill being the mugger who killed Brucie's parents - something Burton ignored so he could give the Joker some personal connection with the big, black bat) and there's a stupid childhood friend introduced so Wayne can have a later love interest with Katie Holmes, but for the first hour of this film there is no bat costume. There is Bruce. Growing, learning, confronting his fear and his weakness, becoming the bat. And its a fascinating study, which pays off in spades later in the film. This film is about grounding itself in the reality of its situation before introducing those spectacular elements that make shit blow up.

This is a comic book movie for real comic books fans. There is no pandering the kids in the audience. This is a comic book picture for adults. This is about pain and fear. This is about loss. This is about the scariest fuckin' Batman committed to celluloid ever.

Because as long as it take for Bruce to become the bat, when he does appear on screen he is a terrifying presence. He is a supernatural force, a terrifying apparition in black. That voice, straight from hell, rumbles through your bones. Never mind the fear gas that makes him into a monster, he'd scare you shitless regardless, because Bale gives his Batman a presence none of the previous fellas (especially George Clooney) had. He captures the essence of fear that Bruce wants this symbol to have. Is he a hero? Yes, he is. But he's not a safe hero. He may not kill, but he'll leave you crying in pain and fear.

But this isn't a one character film. Like I said this is more of an epic than any other comic book movie ever made. Every character is given a solid, real grounding. The Scarecrow, a villain who could be handled so badly, is played with chilling perfection. Jonathan Crane doesn't need that mask to freak you out. Just look at his sharp, blue eyes and tell me this isn't a man gone mad. See the pleasure in his face when he doses up someone with the fear gas.

Ra's Al Ghul, a shadowy presence throughout the film is given the respect such an ancient character deserves. Liam Neeson as Ducard is the perfect twisted mentor. Sergeant Gordon, played with unrestrained glee and pitch-perfect cynicism by Gary fuckin' Oldman is the one good cop stuck in a whole city of bad apples. Even Michael Caine as Alfred injects a gravitas to the proceedings that I never expected. All of these characters are given something to do, an arc that brings them out as flesh and blood characters you actually give a damn about.

And then there's Gotham itself. No longer a fantastic gothic hell or a horrific neon eyesore (thanks, Joel fuckin' Schumacher for that particular rendition of the city) this city feels real. Amazing transport system aside, this could be easily any modern metropolis. An amazing mixture of old school architecture and glass n steel modernism, you feel like this place exists.

But I've gushed long enough. The basic fact is. Go see Batman Begins. Just don't take the fuckin' kids. I don't care if its a 12A, they won't like it. They'll be bored because this is a film that treats its audience seriously. That said, when the shit hits the fan in Gotham, it really hits the fuckin' fan...

Anyway, mes amis, this has been a Batman special (and I know the header's from 1989's Batman, but I loved that line) from your man on Gotham's streets...

Au revoir

Russel

Tuesday, June 21

yellow!

gutten tag!my happy gang of bloggers.
Another glimpse of your trembling ego below Russ.
These writers, eh? They grab us and say "Here, read my inner thoughts" and then they shiver and blush under our gaze.I feel its like nude models who cover themselves in a towel on the way to the podium-we have seen you naked but the context is different. And what is this split personality they suffer from? Crushing self doubt, and dare I say, self loathing? But still they pop the manuscripts into the post and await rejection. Are they like the people who cut themselves to confirm they still hurt and, ultimately, are still alive? Do they need it? I've been Dr Frasier Crane....

Suck

So I'm sat in work and its deadly dull. Don't get me wrong, my work is interesting, its the office that sucks profusely. I have never met a desk monkey before but lo! one sits near me. He obviously forms his entire life around his work and the thought terrifys me that one day I'll be like him and not know- he thinks he is some kind of rebel but instead all he manages is a kind of corporate rebellion, the sort the boss would approve of. what a tadger.

You must think Im a feckin eejit

So apparently my part time status doesn't 'fufil the requirements of my placement' according to my lecturer and supervisor. So what tantalising Idea have they for me? Well, this is good, I have to work 40 hrs a week to 'fufil criteria' and only be paid for 20hrs work!!! Isn't that a cracker?! SO if I don't agree to these, frankly Illegal ,terms I have to do an extra credit module at uni. They obviously think this wouldn't appeal to me but FUCK THAT. I'll go for the module if it means not having to sit here another 20 hrs a week with No fucking money Bastards

Thursday, June 16

Don't be such a drip...

Mes Amis

I know I said mean and moody... but I didn't expect to get soaked! I mean if these photos don't give off a noir/mean streets vibe I don't know what will - - walk out the door, get caught in a downpour and my photographer, laughs as she snaps from the saftey of the corridor. Actually, I just got the pictures back and they look good. Dundee might be a pretty damn noirish city after all (When these photos go public, mes amis, I'll let you know. And let it be noted that the beard is manageable in these photos - I ain't Rasputin yet).

Who are you... Well, mes amis, you might have noticed I've been absolutely engrossed by the new series of Doctor Who. After a really pretty poor pilot (the more I think about it the more I realise how bad it was; poor pacing, poor effects, saved only by Mr Ecclestone and a few cheeky jokes) this has evolved into some one of the most pure entertainment shows on the box. And now its over - at least in this incarnation - I can't help but feel my Saturday teatimes are going to be a bit empty for a while.

ONCE MORE, MES AMIS, IF YOU AIN'T SEEN THE FINAL EP THIS IS A SPOILER WARNING

Chris Eccleston may just have been winging his performance as the Doctor, but thanks in part to the brilliant writers on this show and Mr Ecclestone's insticts for performance, he's turned in a truly convincing portrayal of the mysterious timelord. Alternately dark and goofy, he manages this fantastic balance that makes the doctor both alien and familiar to us as viewers. And in this final episode, his humanity really shone through. When about to pull the plug on the Dalek invasion force, it was great to see a play on Tom Baker's moral quandary in Genesis of the Dalek's as the doctor was forced to choose between the death of the Daleks and humanity or letting them both live and dooming the entire universe to destruction. This was grandstand stuff, overshadowed more by the Doctor's sending Rose back to her old life.

Speaking of Rose, Ms Piper has been a revelation in this series and here, in this final episode, she really tugged on the old (careful now!) heartstrings as she tried to get back to the Doctor and save his life, even though he'd sent her back with strict instruction to stay out of danger. The final revelation with Rose being (REALLY BIG FUCKIN' SPOILER IF YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING AND AIN'T SEEN THIS YET) the Bad Wolf was both thrilling and touching. They could have played this out in a more chilling fashion, but I'm glad that it finally came down to the doctot gently taking the terrible power she'd shouldered on his behalf.

And I should apologise here, folks, for making fun of Cap'n Jack's appalling American accent. Seems the poor bugger *is* American judging by the post-show interview they showed. And yes, he is continuing his transformation into a young John Travolta this episode, right down to the squinty eyes he uses when pissed off. Appalling accent or not he's really beginning to grow on me as a character and that kiss he shared with the Doctor was both amusing and tender at the same time (and bound to get the Daily Mail up in arms, too!). Its just a shame they had to take all the meaning out of his death (although God-Rose's ressurection of Jack does mean that the guy playing him gets to eat lunch for a few more months) as I think this episode could have gone really dark if it wanted to (Like Peter Davison's finale in Caves of Androzani where everybody including the doctor got slaughtered and the only survivor was Peri - and her big breasts!).

Anyway, I've loved this new Who - and yeah, I'm a freakin' geek who doesn't care who knows it - and I really have high hopes for next season. David Tennant's brief appearance at the end was almost reassuring but we should not judge an actor by five seconds of screen time. The true test will come with the Christmas special. But I'm worried; what kinda freakin' title is, "The Christmas Invasion"?

Anyway, mes amis, I'm off to walk the mean streets of Dundee...

Au Revoir

Russel

Wednesday, June 15

The Write Stuff

Mes Amis

Blog off... Twenty four writers, twenty four blogs (or at least websites), one theme... Some very talented people are taking part in the second great blog fiction experiment thing. Since I'm very lazy and can't be bothered doing seventeen links, I'll pass you to Ray who's deeply involved in this thing and has proved, despite his moaning and groaning about how maybe he isn't cut out for ths writing lark (Pull your socks up, Banks! I need to read more fiction like The Big Blind and if people like you start pulling out of the game we're only going to be left with bastards like Grisham and I never want to be reduced to reading that automated legal-fiction machine) that he is one talented writer with his own contribution. And, Ray, they took your rug? I didn't face the man in the black pyjamas for them to take your rug, man! Blogging isn't 'Nam: there are rules!

The Turkey's ready... About freakin' time: I finished the next draft of my novel. And the fucker's changed almost entirely neyond recognition. The meat is the same but so much of the supporting bumph has changed entirely beyond recognition. I hope my sparkling, wonderful agent likes it - - I'm pretty pleased with most of the changes especially because its given a lot of the supporting cast more meat on their bones. Oh well, one more check through for typos and shit sentences and off it goes in the post.

Photo boy... Yes, Ms Beccy, I do have a photographer; she's a friend who's a photography student but that's still one better than Bob the solicitor and his click-n-flash camera. With no offence to ol' Bobby, of course. I'll be using at least one of the new photos the crime scene site and the other will go up when I get my profile on my agency's website. Yeah, mean n moody Russ... that's what we want... (watch this, I'll still look about twelve!)

Anyway, mes amis, that's all for now

Au revoir

Russel

Tuesday, June 14

Rock my world!

D'ya know what I love?
Gullible people.
Them and stupid folk are the meat of my day.
I can sense a gullible person from, like , a mile off. They wander up and say 'hi!' and I think ooohhhh! Its almost sexual.
Not to say I don't get the same burst of joy when I realise I'm chatting to someone stupid. Now that is sexual, uggghhhh.
SO good.I love them when they start getting confused at what you are telling them. Someone in my office went and googled whether calories fell out when you ripped open a muffin. She thought calories would be in the little air space.
I could have kissed her.She made my day.
I like the slow creeping look of confusion that spreads across the face.
I just realised it and thought I'd share

Monday, June 13

beards shmeards

So its my first day at work. Very quiet but fun office and an chance for me to learn to do quizzes on powerpoint. (yes, you can!)
I've been given freebies so I shall list and rate them for your perusal

1. bag with company logo: this is fucking great. anything which enables me to carry copious amounts of guff around is ok by me. Its navy blue and the kind you see small children carrying into the swimming-a drawstring rucksack affair. Its fairly spacious and I can fit my head into it along with some post-it notes and the rest of my 'gifts' A+

2. Pencil with company logo: a pencil. Neat. easy to write with. it's black-all black and not made from wood neither. nope it was once a plastic cup according to the speil printed on it. Progressive and slightly rubbery. Looses points for the fact it has the same texture as ass but gains by the fact I can stir my tea with it without loosing tea to absorption. B+

3. A ruler with logo. I don't know why I love rulers so much. As my supervisor handed it to me I remember distinctly thinking "great I can measure things". I think its because I can't actually measure things by estimates. Folk say "yeah its about 3" long" and I'm baffled. Blokes love this lack in my education for some reason. Oh yeah my ruler used to be a printer. Rock! B+

4.An eraser with logo. Its a swirly looking number with primary colours merging. (The key word here is 'primary' 'cos all these things are meant to be prizes for the children). This loses many, many points as it isn't recycled and I cant say 'yeah that used to be condoms' C

SoI need to pack my stuff into my bag for going home and I think I'm gonna look like I've just been on my first day at school. I care not a jot.

BEARDS

I like the regrowth plan russ. Have you considered a smell merkin until you are fully fledged again?

Since when did you have a photographer? Is it Bob? Don't lie to me your ears twitch. I think the main problem is that you try and look moody when in fact you end up looking strained. Try watching mr potatohead doing sitcom that should give you the required grizzled, strained "I've witnessed things no human should" look you crave.

Saturday, June 11

FanTASTic!

Mes Amis

Yes, I'm only a young thing... Cheers, Ray, for letting the cat out the bag - hoping I'd get by without another "My gosh, you're how old?" for a while. But maybe you're right, cos I'm having to get my picture taken for my agency's website and I can't get a decent one. Well, I can, but not one that makes me look like a fuckin' crime writer. Why? Because I look twelve years old (and rather fat). So we hit a new plan. I'm growing back the fuckin' beard and this time its going to be big. Its going to be a full goddamn beard. Already I've started it and the ladies love it (Oh, yes, they do!), which proves that modelling yturself on Al Pacino in Serpico is not neccasarily a bad thing. So I'm meeting my photographer again in the next week and this time we're going for beardy Russ in the Howff graveyard here in Dundee. This time we'll get it. This time I will look mean and moody. This time I might just fool people into thinking I'm a little bit tough.

Bad Wolf... Those two words have appeared in what must be every episode of the new Doctor Who series on the BBC at the moment. And let me say now, if you ain't seen it yet and you are the least bit interested in being surprised by this show do not read on...

YES THERE BE SPOILERS HERE

For the identity of Bad Wolf has been revealed as The Daleks! Yes, the daleks are back and bigger than ever. This episode of Who (the penultimate this series) has been both one of the funniest and one of the most fucking loony yet. Starting with the Doc stuck in the Big Brother house, Rose on the weakest link and Captain Jack Harkness (who seems to be being played by a young John Travolta this episode) on What Not To Wear (where he fondles robot Trinny's metal breasts being the insatiable sex beast he is) there's a bundle of laughs to be had in the first quarter. After all, the idea of television centring around execution is always mildly amusing. In fact, I think I'd love to see the current set of BB housemates fried by a laser. But then things turn serious when the doctor does his "save everyone in the nick of time" routine only to have Rose apparently fried by Ann Robinson (I couldn't tell, was that thing meant to be a robot or was it really Anne?). As everything suddenly turns deadly serious (you can tell: the doctor doesn't say fantastic once after that moment) the episode races forwards breathlessly on to reveal a giant Dalek taskforce in orbit over earth, with the Daleks clearly being the ones who have held back Earth's technological advancment and, for whatever reason, have decided to schedule future programming after the CH4 schedule.

And these daleks look mean. Retro, with those huge lightbulbs instead of the small ones they got later on. And, in a Michael Caine moment, when I saw that army on screen I couldn't help but whisper, "Daleks... faaahsands af em..."

I saw a documentary back when they did the first Dalek episode of this series where one of the designers said, "we made it more bling" and they ain't half kidding. The subtle subtext is: anyone who uses the word "bling" or wears too much damn jewellery cos they think it makes em look hard is evil. Of course, at the end credits we hear a husky voice talk to the doc in next week's preview and one has to wonder whether the mysterious controller of the daleks may just be their maniac creator, Chavros...

Speaking of the end credit's preview... Last week's ep buggered the surprise by showing the daleks in full screen... That kind of took the sheer shock value out of it all...

Anyway, mes amis, enough telly: back to the grindstone

Au Revoir

Russel